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| Nick left for Kemp, Texas (which is where he is from) this morning and I like he ripped my heart out of my chest and taken it with him. I honestly didn't think it would hurt so much. We've only been apart for a couple a days at a time, but this time...it'll be a close to a month. He always comes and walks me down to the bank when I close and I have to admit, out of habit, I watched for him to show up at close. To make matters worse, I had to come home to an empty house. My family is gone to work on the trailer we just bought at Lake Norfolk. I'm also realizing that there is pretty much no way of me going down there to see him. I have like 48 hours off in a row, but if I drive 16 of it will be me driving and it'll be over $200 if I fly...so there goes that... This just sucks all the way around. I don't get to see or touch or hold or kiss the one I love the most during the Christmas Break and it breaks my heart. :'( | | |
| I had oral surgery Friday morning. All four of my wisdom teeth were cut out. I had to have parts of my jaw bone removed also to be able to get the bottom ones from causing problems later on. I don't remember anything. I was/am prescribed Meperidine and Hydrocodone. Both are narcotics and illegal if used in ways other than which they were prescribed. I NOW KNOW WHY! I've been in another world while taking them. I have no handle on reality. I can't make sense of what is happening in the environment in which I am in and what is happening in my mind. I say the stupidest things and have little to no recollection of it. The ONLY positive thing about them, I don't hurt if I take one.
So, for those of you who have talked to me since Friday, I probably don't remember that I talked to you. If I do remember talking to you, I bet I have no idea what was said! | | |
| Monday night I was over ar Nick's and my back had been hurting. It really got to hurting and I was crying I was in so much pain. I DON'T CRY FOR PAIN! I've torn all the muscles and ligaments and tendons in my shoulder and broken my femur and not cried, but my back is something that gets me! Tuesday I called Mom and she got me an appointment because I couldn't handle the pain anymore. Mom thought I'd either pulled a muscle in my back or had a kidney infection. Well come to find out I have BOTH! So I've been doped up on a muscle relaxer, two pain killers, and an antibiotic. I've just been "here" since I haven't been totally here. Well, I need to go lay down, it hurts to sit up so tutals. | | |
| Ever tried to make someone smile, but they continue to frown, to lighten someone's mood and they continue to sulk, to show someone the BIGGER PICTURE but they are so close minded they can see past their own life.
Well, if you haven't, YOU SUCK! No, just kidding. I have been and am trying to (the best word to describe it is:) inspire someone. It's not working. For those of you who know exactly how stubborn I am, this is a MAJOR PROBLEM for me! I always get what I want to achieve. I just don't give up. Anyway, I've been praying that this person will have their eyes opened to the bigger picture of life, and God's will in their life. I've never promised or said everything will be okay, but I DO say everything happens for a reason! It's not like I've never faced a tragedy or rough time. I have, too many that I care to count, so I CAN say that because I CAN see the bigger picture! Maybe that's just part of growing up and maturing, seeing the grander things and reasons in life. Maybe my life experiences have helped me see things in a completely different light than most. Maybe, and probably the real reason, my Faith in Christ that He has a Will and a Purpose for my life has allowed me to take what some may call tragedies and turn them into inspiration for me to be a better Christian, Humanitarian, and American.
Life throws unexpected, unreasonable, and unexplained circumstances in each and every one of our lives. It is OUR decision how we use those circumstances to our benefit and to the benefit of others.
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| I love the month of October. Yes, I'm the weird one whose FAVORITE holiday is Halloween. It's not JUST because I love to dress up and act like I'm eight years old again, but because Halloween was the last day I ever talked to my older brother. It was just two days before he died. This time of the year has always been hard for me, but this year it seems to be more difficult than the last couple. I've been faking my smile, and no one has seemed to notice...when I'm alone I break down. I just need to...I honestly don't know what I need. Every time I THINK I do, I wind up losing it again. I need God's presence and comfort. He is the only one who can get me through this and the only one who can comfort me. | | |
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