Lulumac's Xanga

Feeling lonely...

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 04:37:24 GMT

Nick left for Kemp, Texas (which is where he is from) this morning and I like he ripped my heart out of my chest and taken it with him. I honestly didn't think it would hurt so much. We've only been apart for a couple a days at a time, but this time...it'll be a close to a month. He always comes and walks me down to the bank when I close and I have to admit, out of habit, I watched for him to show up at close. To make matters worse, I had to come home to an empty house. My family is gone to work on the trailer we just bought at Lake Norfolk. I'm also realizing that there is pretty much no way of me going down there to see him. I have like 48 hours off in a row, but if I drive 16 of it will be me driving and it'll be over $200 if I fly...so there goes that... This just sucks all the way around. I don't get to see or touch or hold or kiss the one I love the most during the Christmas Break and it breaks my heart. :'(

Narcotics have taken their toll...

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 21:47:38 GMT

I had oral surgery Friday morning. All four of my wisdom teeth were cut out. I had to have parts of my jaw bone removed also to be able to get the bottom ones from causing problems later on. I don't remember anything. I was/am prescribed Meperidine and Hydrocodone. Both are narcotics and illegal if used in ways other than which they were prescribed. I NOW KNOW WHY! I've been in another world while taking them. I have no handle on reality. I can't make sense of what is happening in the environment in which I am in and what is happening in my mind. I say the stupidest things and have little to no recollection of it. The ONLY positive thing about them, I don't hurt if I take one.

So, for those of you who have talked to me since Friday, I probably don't remember that I talked to you. If I do remember talking to you, I bet I have no idea what was said!

Pain is not cool...

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 16:45:16 GMT

Monday night I was over ar Nick's and my back had been hurting. It really got to hurting and I was crying I was in so much pain. I DON'T CRY FOR PAIN! I've torn all the muscles and ligaments and tendons in my shoulder and broken my femur and not cried, but my back is something that gets me! Tuesday I called Mom and she got me an appointment because I couldn't handle the pain anymore. Mom thought I'd either pulled a muscle in my back or had a kidney infection. Well come to find out I have BOTH! So I've been doped up on a muscle relaxer, two pain killers, and an antibiotic. I've just been "here" since I haven't been totally here. Well, I need to go lay down, it hurts to sit up so tutals.

Inspiration...

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 05:09:35 GMT

Ever tried to make someone smile, but they continue to frown, to lighten someone's mood and they continue to sulk, to show someone the BIGGER PICTURE but they are so close minded they can see past their own life.

Well, if you haven't, YOU SUCK! No, just kidding. I have been and am trying to (the best word to describe it is:) inspire someone. It's not working. For those of you who know exactly how stubborn I am, this is a MAJOR PROBLEM for me! I always get what I want to achieve. I just don't give up. Anyway, I've been praying that this person will have their eyes opened to the bigger picture of life, and God's will in their life. I've never promised or said everything will be okay, but I DO say everything happens for a reason! It's not like I've never faced a tragedy or rough time. I have, too many that I care to count, so I CAN say that because I CAN see the bigger picture! Maybe that's just part of growing up and maturing, seeing the grander things and reasons in life. Maybe my life experiences have helped me see things in a completely different light than most. Maybe, and probably the real reason, my Faith in Christ that He has a Will and a Purpose for my life has allowed me to take what some may call tragedies and turn them into inspiration for me to be a better Christian, Humanitarian, and American.

Life throws unexpected, unreasonable, and unexplained circumstances in each and every one of our lives. It is OUR decision how we use those circumstances to our benefit and to the benefit of others.

I love October...but hate it too...

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 22:07:03 GMT

I love the month of October. Yes, I'm the weird one whose FAVORITE holiday is Halloween. It's not JUST because I love to dress up and act like I'm eight years old again, but because Halloween was the last day I ever talked to my older brother. It was just two days before he died. This time of the year has always been hard for me, but this year it seems to be more difficult than the last couple. I've been faking my smile, and no one has seemed to notice...when I'm alone I break down. I just need to...I honestly don't know what I need. Every time I THINK I do, I wind up losing it again. I need God's presence and comfort. He is the only one who can get me through this and the only one who can comfort me.

I've been EXTREMELY busy!

Thu, 19 Oct 2006 20:52:49 GMT

First off, what is up with this weather? One day it's sunny with the temperature in the 80's and the next it's rainy with the temperature in the 40's! I don't get it! I am definitely getting tired of it. It's taking a lot out of me mentally and a lot more out of me physically. My fibromyalgia is about to kill me. Yesterday, after my look-a-like contest (I was Marilyn Monroe) Nick and I came back to his apartment to watch TV and I couldn't get comfortable. I wound up going home and crying myself to sleep I was in so much pain. WHY CAN'T I JUST BE HEALTHY?!?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!!

My classes are going really good! I am only have problems in ONE class. I have either an A or B in my others. Of course the one class in Business Calculus and I HAVE to have it for my major. :P

Nick and I celebrated our one month anniversary on Tuesday. We act and it seems like we've been together a LOT longer than that. We are almost TOO comfortable around one another. Anyways, we went to eat at Ruby Tuesday and he got me a GORGEOUS rose. It was white with hot pink tips. I've never gotten flowers from a guy before! It was so sweet! I'm head over heels for him. He's everything I ever wanted in a guy. When I see him I can't help but smile. I get upset at him for DIPPING and I can't stay mad long. There's not a word in the dictionary that would or can accurately describe him. The closest one would be incredible...

I SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS WEEKEND BEING HOMECOMING!!! I can't wait until the game! If it's NOT raining I'll be there in either a suite or a nice sweater and black pants. I've only gotten to see Nick play one game and that week before last; this is going to be the only other game I get to see. GO A-STATE! I SO hope they are repeat Sun Belt Conference Champs!

Only DOWNSIDE of this weekend and thing I'm terrified of: I'm not only meeting Nick's parents and brother, but ALSO his dad's parents, too! I get to meet half the family at once! I'm not excited, I'm petrified. I really want them to like me! I really hope and I've been praying that they will!

I have to go pick up Nick from football practice now...I have his truck because I'm at his apartment and my Jeep's in the parking garage. I don't think he'd be happy if he had to walk in the pouring rain! It WOULD be kinda funny tho, but prolly NOT to him! Tutals!

He's a keeper...

Fri, 29 Sep 2006 15:36:43 GMT

For those of you who haven't talked to me or don't have Facebook, I'm seeing someone. His name is Nick. He turned 21 on the 5th. He's from Kemp, Texas which is an hour and a half southeast of Dallas. He's a good ole country boy, through and through. He's the long snapper for Arkansas State's football team. He's about 6'2" and 240 lbs. Yes, over twice my weight and a foot taller than me...but I don't mind at all. We've been together since the Sunday, September 17th. Within the first couple of days he'd met and had dinner with me and my family and met most of my friends. I get to meet his parents when they come up for Homecoming. Eep!
Well, Wednesday night I started throwing up... I slept in the bathroom that night... I ran a fever, felt horrible and couldn't keep anything down. Well yesterday I was much worse, so after Nick's first class, he came over so I wouldn't have to be that sick and be alone. My mom had an Rx for Phenergan called in because I kept throwing up. He went and got it for me since there was NO WAY I could drive...I couldn't hold my head up to vomit, let alone drive. Not long after he returned I threw up while him there sitting in the bathroom floor with me. How sweet is that? He couldn't do anything for me but be there and he was. After I crawled back into bed I was freezing and burning up with fever. He covered me up and curled up next to me to keep me warm. He was here from about 9 to about 3, then came back last night, had dinner with my family, and laid on the couch with me. It was so sweet. I don't know what to do... I've never had anyone take care of me like that and know me for as short of time as I have known him.
Nick's amazing...completely and totally amazing... Plus, I really like him. He's genuine and extremely considerate. He's a church going Christian, when he's not outta town because of football. He's really close to his family. I think they talk like everyday, which is more than I do to my folks and I live with them! My friends like him and threatened me not to screw this up. He's friends have done the same to him. He makes me smile and treats me how I think a girlfriend should be treated. He understand my sister's come before him and he's okay with it. He's not like any of the other guys before...Nick is a definite keeper! :)

Epsilon Delta, I love ya!

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 21:28:27 GMT

If you have no idea what Epsilon Delta is, it's Arkansas State's chapter of Phi Mu. For those of you who did NOT see it coming... I'm reaffiliating. I miss the organization and the girls too much. My mom supports the decision, just as long as my grades stay up. My sisters are EXTREMELY excited, as you would imagine. I am too! When I e-mail our National Headquarters last Friday asking what I had to do to go to a collegiate status, instead of maintaining my alumnae status, I didn't think I'd hear back so soon! Yesterday, they contacted my chapter to tell them what had to be done for me to return collegiate status. A form has to be sent in, that's it! I'll be back on the roster by Friday! I'm so excited! I almost cried when I found that out! I've been all smiles ever since!

I am more confused about guys than I have been in a very, very, very long time. I have faith and I KNOW that God will send me someone when the time is right, but I am so, so lonely right now. I know I'm not ready for anyone, but that still doesn't make me not want someone... The little things that a few friends have said to me that PROBABLY don't mean ANYTHING to them, but mean the world to me, and it most everyone I know taken in some form or fashion have taken and are taking a toll on my self confidence and just my confidence in dating at all. God has a purpose for me being single and He'll show me that reason, eventually. Until then, I'll continue to seek Him everyday with my readings and my prayers.

Why am I ALWAYS THE LAST TO KNOW?!

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 21:44:53 GMT

I'm going to rant and rave. If you don't want to read my venting, close the window now!

I just love how my closest friends never tell me of MAJOR EVENTS IN THEIR LIVES!!! If anything MAJOR happens I'm the LAST TO KNOW! WHAT THE MESS?! Yet, the little petty things I'm the first to know about. How much sense does that make?!?! I wouldn't know anything if people didn't update on Facebook and that's horribly depressing! Maybe half the reason I'm not told is that those people are going back on their "word" to me. I hold people's "words" in very high regard. Promises can be broken, but a person's word should never be gone back on. Once you do that you loose two very inportant things of mine: my respect and my trust.

I won't be near as upset if you tell me personally, especially saying that I'VE TALKED TO YOU SINCE THEN!! I shouldn't have to find out over a stupid college networking site that you are doing exactly what you said you wouldn't do. Yes, I'm highly upset with you...and you know exactly who you are...I hope you read this. I hope you know that you have lost my respect and my trust as a friend...

Class

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 18:46:25 GMT

Class started Tuesday for me. I just go on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm enjoying it so far, but they are pretty long days.

I'm helping the Phi Mus out with Formal Recruitment, also known as Rush. I really wanna hlp re-build the chapter...

Oops! I forgot to say I got my nose pierced! Aly and I went last Thursday. I like it. It's really cute and girly. Ah! I just realized I only have time to take a 10 minutes nap! I'll write more when I get the chance..